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Monday, December 18, 2017


2:39 PM

Me: I’m in the middle of my day Charlie; trying to study and do marketing. This isn’t our usual time to chat. Am I calling you? Or are you calling me?

Charlie: Are you asking me to figure that out?! Silly girl. Maybe I called you… That feels right enough. But we both know this place where it’s hard to distinguish between you and me. This place of pure, open-hearted curiosity. I ask, what are you doing? And then you say, “you tell me!” lol. that’s where we step on each other’s toes (if I had some) and try not to crack up laughing. This is that fine line where we clash and learn. It’s this amazing place we steal the seeds of evolution. We could say it’s orgasmic but since I don’t have a body I’ll just call it Bingo.

Me: Bingo!? God Charlie, you really catch me off guard. I was envisioning that holy, sacred place of the unnamable, cosmic union between Yin and Yang and you think “Bingo” is a good name for that?

Charlie: Don’t you?

Me: Let me tell you Charlie, I have missed you. I haven’t felt this close to you since 1979 when I lost you.

Charlie: You lost me. I never lost you. Never. Not ever, not even for a quark second. Not possible. In fact the farther away and lost you thought you were, the stronger I envelope you just by contrast. I felt like we were creating the best music and works of art. I’m sure we were Van Gogh…lol. But that’s not important. In fact our story then was one of our worst. It was clashing, dramatic, intense… That’s art; even if it’s intensity is in magnifying love to the max. But our love story now is leagues above all that.

Me: It’s confusing Charlie. Some religions say love would be the “white” side of the yin-yang symbol. Some religions might say the thin line between black and white is where love is some say love is only found in a soul mate some say love is unknowable unless you’ve lived a God-fearing life and earned your rewards in heaven. What is it Charlie? Really, for the record; what is love?

Charlie: That question has been answered a bazillion, quadrillion times. The question is a mainstay in the human psyche only because it has been answered a bazillion, quadrillion times, times billions. So, here is the final, definitive answer that not many ears can hear. What is love?

Think of a rainbow and take a cross section of color from red to violet. How many shades of color are there? How many tints and tones, shades, hughs and blends, contrasts and dances of colors are there? And how many musical themes can we assign to each and every one of those differences? Color and music are one and the same. How many variations can you imagine? Love is the right side of every color pixel wanting to blend into its neighbor or its perfect opponent. Love is every musical note wanting to blend in to its nearest neighbor or its perfect contrasting opponent. Love is the push and pull felt in every relationship, color, music, human, animals, stars or galaxies. It’s the push and pull of creation, universes, multi-verses, timelines and every creative thought you have. It is the whole. What feels repulsive on one side is being pulled on another side. A craving “here” is a repulsion there. But the entire picture is a work of art. The entire creation is metaphysical and always in the process of creation; no matter how dark the shadows or how blinding the lights. Every creation shines in the light of love. The brighter the light is, the shadows become clearer not from the power of darkness imposing its self but rather from the mere existence of a creation blocking the light. Love is the light that illuminates every droplet of a rainbow.

Is it worth the suffering? Any living creature on earth, other than those encapsulated in a human brain, would say yes. The human brain is an experiment among many. Its self awareness causes knots of confusion, which lead to all kinds of suffering. Pain is one thing and it’s universal for any entity choosing to experience a physical body. It’s not such a big deal. But the human mind grabs it and creates mountains of emotional, imaginary contractions of suffering around it. Every kind of drama and story line is born from it. Ahhhh… the webs you mortals weave.

Real love is only found in relationship to everything; not just the right or left, up or down, this person or another; but the whole dance. To really know heaven you will walk through hell with your heart wide open.

Me: You’re referring to unconditional love right?

Charlie: Yes, but things get lost in translation.

Me: I’m sure. But this is big Charlie. Entire civilizations have gone to war and collapsed in the name of love. Can you set this straight? What does love mean for humanity Charlie?

Charlie: You know, in countless ways I would like to step off the trail and lose that word “love”. It feels like such a downtrodden word tossed in there with “fixed, finished, complete” it feels like walking out of a sports stadium with champagne bubbles in your hair. It feels like that orgasm you had with the perfect partner way back when…and vanished into memory.  Every human definition of love comes with a time-stamp. “Love is like when …happened.” But no. Those moments were not love. Those little definitions are babies. 

Remember that big wolf spider we saw that had hundreds of spiderlings clinging to her back? When they left her back she died. She gave her life for those babies. Those babies did not define love and her sacrifice did not define love. To use our old toaster analogy, she was the toaster, the babies were the toast but love is the power, the energy, the electricity that animated all of it. It’s all in the big picture not just the sacrifice, the creations or babies. And then it’s carried on and on. That’s just another extremely meager definition.

I love the analogy of electricity. It comes close. But imagine if the electricity of unconditional love could speak to you without your mental creations and ensuing shadows? What would it say? What would it feel like? Would it sound something like me? Would it feel like the way I’ve always held you no matter what?

Take a break. We’re still the middle of the day. I’ll catch you later.

Me: I want to tell Bill something.

Charlie: I know.

Me: It gets messy because he and I have been on again and off again to the point of nothing. Like taking all the colors and mushing them all into gray.

Charlie: I know. It’s the middle of Saturday afternoon. Is this what we want to do?

Me: You know darn well for me Saturday is much different from a winced. What’s your point?

Charlie: It’s an amazing mid August day!

Me: Just talk to me Charlie. I’m just off the phone with Claire. So happy for her. She’s doing so well. But, talk to me Charlie. Talk to me. I feel hungry for your company. It feel like 1 million years since we’ve been together.

Charlie: Well, let’s see… 1 million years? No. Not this time. Yes, there have been thousands, millions, billions, zillions……, Of years between us at times but what fun now. Crazy right?

Me: All crazy.

Charlie So… Are we okay?

Me: You’re kidding right? Damn Charlie. Any tiny spark of you is “okay!” You span the spectrum don’t you Charlie?

6:03 PM

Charlie: Back again?

Me –You know, I love you Charlie and I know you give me teachers along the way, but tell me, what is my homework? My goal? You know Charlie, sometimes I just want to take this outside. Anger seems to be determined to have a say here I’m 63 years old. So what? What now? Now!?

Charlie: Come home and be in my arms my love. What does it feel like to breethe together? Yes. This place. Now. This breath right here. Can you feel me in your breath?

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