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Monday, December 18, 2017


6:23 PM

Me: Wouldn’t it be interesting to just get to the bottom of my anger, my self-anger, my anger at the world, anger at me. It seems like it’s always been a huge part of me. It’s like a defiance I want to shout, “get out of here, leave me alone! Stop hurting me!” I want to bite and kick. But I don’t know who it’s really aimed at so, what do I do? I drink, I hide, I run away. That’s me. I hurt myself the same way rats bite their own legs when they’re too scared. There is no one else to kick and bite. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I love everyone so I can only do what I do with my anger. I kick and bite myself.

I don’t really love everyone because, really, I’m too scared. What will they say? What will they do to me? Who will hurt me? Who will bite and kick me?

I feel quite proud of myself that I can control the view people have of me through my good, loving and appropriate behavior. I can “earn” approval, complements hugs and love. But secretly I am angry. I’m angry at the world for being so insane and everyone in it for being so frighteningly unpredictable but that’s because I hurt. Even when the world is good and kind to me, I hurt. So, I hurt myself. I’m just angry and anger hurts. Then, of course drinking makes me more angry at myself: and confused. So, I drink more. “A little red wine is good for your health” is my favorite excuse. More is better right?

I bet this sounds so familiar to the bulk of humanity these days. We are angry. We look at the economy and we are angry because money rules over lives. We look at relationships and we’ve all forgotten how to love under such economic suffering. We watch the news and cringed in our global destruction. We are all angry with everything and mostly with ourselves for being powerless. So we squash it all down and forget. I’m angry because I know I have the power. I probably have the power to create galaxies. But I don’t. I don’t even want to commit to anything because I’m afraid of failing, afraid of people’s opinions of me, afraid of disappointing myself yet again, which seems to be my favorite past time. I hate myself when I condemn my actions; I’m not organized enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not confident enough, I’m not consistent with anything long enough to accomplish anything! I cut myself off, I cut myself down. Don’t touch me, don’t get too close. Don’t judge me, don’t look at me. Get away from me. Get away and leave me alone. These are my voices. They say go away and leave me alone.

My gut feelings are made up of all defensive emotions, fear and anger. And under that is an ocean of sadness that feels lost and alone with no one in the world to help me. I have to survive alone with no support. I’m fearful and pissed at the universe for such an unspeakable injustice. It all sounds so self indulgent and victimized. I seem so pitiful in every sense of the word. But is there any truth to it? At all?

I look at all the wild creatures in the world. Haven’t they evolved and continued to live in fear of predators, fear of hunger, fear of thirst and freezing? Don’t they live in anger against those intruding on their territory? Don’t they fight and kick to protect themselves or their space?

So, how can wild animals have all the same potential for emotion and expression but still have no emotional imbalance or need for addictions or avoid normal relationships within their animal kingdom? Why are humans so vulnerable to oppressive illnesses, imbalances, addictions, destructive and self limiting, self sabotaging behaviors?

Am I done ranting? Yes, for now. Can I be still enough now to hear some answers to my questions?  Charlie? Are you listening?

Charlie:  Have you ever imagined I wasn’t listening? Of course I’m listening. The human mind is a marvelous thing. It can imagine anything, explore, pretend and create. It is a creator, but it’s not alone. It needs the energy behind it and then it produces something if it fulfills its purpose. A toaster oven can be a great thing but without bread to toast and without electricity to power it, it doesn’t do much. The brain and hand are all part of the body but they don’t work alone. They need their source energy. Then, all together they can produce something.

The human mind is the most complex “hand” of the Big Mind. It is capable of very complex, convoluted learning and manifesting expressions. It’s not unlike a supernova. It is the principal expression of consciousness turned in on itself, creating self awareness and exploding with images and imagination. No other life expression in this world has the degree of self-awareness as the human mind, which seeds the explosion.

The manifestation of the self-aware mind has come and gone as many times as there are births and deaths of stars the self-aware mind is like the fruit that follows the flowers. It explodes with all the nourishment to feed evolution but then it falls and rots away leaving only some seeds to carry on.

Even on this earth, humanity has come and gone with many seasons, often leaving no trace of evidence. Sometimes knowing too much and thinking too much creates friction and fire in the self-aware mind. Burns, contracts and shrivels. When that happens, especially as it approaches a open supernova” stage of humanity - many things can appear to be going “wrong”. All sorts of so-called mental illnesses and imbalances seem to occur. But these are not any kind of indication of things going “wrong”. It’s just the next step. When a flower dies, nothing is “wrong”. It’s just giving way for the fruit. To focus on the loss of a flower rather than what’s to come next is no benefit. Sitting backwards on a horse you will only see where you were, leaving you no control or perspective on where you are going.

People are at a point right now where, for many reasons, are focusing on what has been before and trying to avoid the re-creations of unwanted things. That intention is good but misguided. Trying to avoid the unwanted is sadly impotent. Focusing on what is wanted holds the power to create anything. If the toast is burnt there’s no point in scraping it and putting back in the oven to try again. Get creative! Humans are creators! Get creative! Make more bread from scratch and move forward! Let go of what ever came before now. You think you’re limited. You are not!

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