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Monday, December 18, 2017


8:35 AM

Me: What’s up Charlie?

Charlie: I feel great! Do you know how long it’s really been since we’ve done this? Like, really. We’re connecting on paper again. I love this.

Me: :) ! Well, good morning to you too Charlie. Your sudden enthusiasm caught me off guard. You’re funnier than usual.

Charlie: Just happy. Very happy. We’ve been through a lot you know, from the very beginning; birth, fear, enthusiasm, learning, confidence etc. Then comes this magical place between confidence and then back to fear. This is a completely untapped transition in life!

Me: I guess I’m completely tapped into that place before the “Magic Place” Charlie. I’ve lost two marriages, my kids are grown and independent. I feel like I’ve been through the enthusiasm, learning, confidence etc. Now on the brink between confidence and fear.

Charlie: We know that place well don’t we? Dance, that’s what we do. One step up and one step back.

Me: So now what? You see me right? I feel destitute; $12,000 a year income, no health insurance. I’m heartbroken from breaking up with Bill. I beat myself up over not being able to “figure my way out” of poverty consciousness. I must have had a big ego tagging along when I signed up for this life. What is ego anyway Charlie?

Charlie: You crack me up. Let me have a minute. Oh my love of my life, since last we spoke you have grown. Remember? Here we are again. Let’s see if we can take this to the next level.

Me: How?

Charlie: Well, I would say just be sexy. But you know that would just bring up so much Stuff! My understanding of sexy is entirely different from your understanding of sexy. For you it’s all cultural conditioning, physically oriented, man/woman stuff. From my perspective, it’s a union between heaven and earth and physical procreation is just a tiny tip of that iceberg. In fact it’s entirely optional. In essence it’s when the heart blossoms; bodies or no bodies.


So, what do we do Charlie? Look at me! I’m old, flabby, divorced twice. No one wants me. I’m beyond feeling old and lonely now what? Am I supposed to just wither away now? Sick? Old? Lonely? Damn Charlie!! You’ve been with me from the get go. You’ve pulled me out of the quicksand time and time again. So… Here we are. What is this place?

Charlie: Well… I hope you can feel me… Even if it’s just a flash glimpse. Because even though you and I never lost touch you know this is our time to shine. You lost me once (that was the biggest loss of chips you tossed onto the game board) but the reason we won is because we knew we could never lose.

Me: I feel you Charlie but I can’t quite see what you’re saying other than nothing is wrong. We can’t lose?

Charlie: Nothing is lost. No one loses. You will never get anything wrong. No one and nothing gets anything wrong.

Me: It’s 8:22 PM Charlie. I’m writing with a pen and paper. My only light is from the bay window and I just lit two candles to make up for the sun setting. A raccoon just passed by. So here we are. What would you tell me now Charlie?

Charlie: I’m on this ride with you. That means I’m not conditional. You don’t NEED to meditate or pray or even go to work. You got that?! You don’t even need to go to WORK! Work is just a way of participating in the world. It should feel fulfilling not laborious and it shouldn't be slavery.

Me: Okay. I’ve been sitting here thinking about that for a while. Thanks for holding me Charlie. I’ve never been more free but I’ve never felt more lost. I’m looking out at the mountains, all my kids are grown and moved on, I’m accountable to no one. I’m free. So, why am I feeling lost Charlie? My grandfather used to say, “be careful of what you wish for because you will get it.” All I have is you Charlie. You’ve been there for me forever. But I stepped back. I would so love to be a great dancer with you.

Charlie: You have been my only dance partner from the beginning of time. I think we dance quite well together. We don’t even need legs! LOL!

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