12/21/17

12/21/17

7:40 PM

Me: Hey Charlie. I’m feeling playful.

Charlie: I know. You want to call me “honey buns” or something.

Me: Good grief. It’s embarrassing how well you know me.

Charlie: Why embarrassing?

Me: Well, it’s even more embarrassing now knowing that everything we say might be posted on this blog.

Charlie: Let me assure you that if there is anything we talk about that should not be posted I will let you know.

Me: Oh that’s a relief. So, what’s up for discussion now?

Charlie: Relationships.

Me: What kind of relationships?

Charlie: All relationships. It’s important for people to see relationships as reflections not as real things.

Me: That’s a bit challenging Charlie. How can relationships not be real things?

Charlie: Reality from your perspective is not as solid and objective as people think. What you see in other people, or even other things and animals, are reflections of who you are and has nothing to do with anything outside of yourself.

Me: Your talking about me or everyone?

Charlie: Everyone and everything. The eyes you’re looking out from, the ears and all your senses, are just receiving various kinds of vibrations. It’s the mind that deciphers them to create its pseudo-reality. Every sensory input is deciphered by the mind not by anything “real” outside itself.

Me: I’ve heard that before but it seems impossible to believe that if someone hurts someone or even kills someone, that’s not real?

Charlie: If someone kills someone or anything, it’s still just a shift in perspective.

Me: I don’t know Charlie. If someone hurts or kills me I can see how it’s a shift in perspective but it’s real isn’t it?

Charlie: No, not real in terms of villain/victim. Those mental conceptions are illusory constructs. If you eat a fruit it’s not a victim and you are not a villain. There is just shifting energy of life source. All things and all points of awareness are shifting focal points of energy.

Me: Aren’t we getting a little carried away Charlie? I don’t know if this is a good subject for the blog. It seems to abstract.

Charlie: The point I want to make is that whatever people think is being done to them is actually just a perception in their mind creating an emotional response. If you read about a mass shooting your fearful or angry response comes from a mental construct; beliefs and patterns of thought that have come together in the mind. If you see a tree fall are you horrified by all of the life that is destroyed with it? Birds nests? Ant colonies? All the life that gets crushed under it?

Me: That’s different.

Charlie: It’s only different according to your mind's perspective. People have things categorized by good/bad, just/in just, acceptable/unacceptable etc.

Me: You’re telling me suffering isn’t real. How can anyone buy that? Animals suffer.

Charlie: Pain and suffering are two completely different things. All living things can feel pain. It's built into the living body for the purpose of preservation. But suffering involves all the mental stories people tell themselves about being a victim or villain. Those beliefs about losing what they hold dear or getting what they don’t want, add layers of suffering on top of normal pain, which is just a passing physical sensation. There’s so much mental confusion in the minds of people.

Me: Are you sure you want me to post this Charlie? Some people might get upset.

Charlie: Yes. Post it. Some people will understand it and try to pay more attention to their fabricated beliefs that are causing too much suffering. Not everyone will hear it of course.

Me: Oh dear. Okay.

Charlie: We’ll probably talk a lot more about this later on down the road. This is good enough for now. Good night my honey buns.  I’ll meet you in your dreams.

Me: Lol!  Good night Charlie. <3

12/20/17

12/20/17

1:35 pm

Me: Hi Charlie.

Charlie: Hi my love.

Me: What should we talk about?

Charlie: So much to say.

Me: What stands out? Anything?

Charlie: Not off the top. How do you feel?

Me: I’m tired. I have so much to do before everyone comes for Christmas.

Charlie: Everything will get done. It will be a good time.

Me: How can you know things like that?

Charlie: I can see it. It’s the trajectory of this timeline but things can skip.

Me: Skip?

Charlie: You know, depending on what your thoughts are doing. When you are feeling peaceful and anticipating things with an open mind and spacious heart things seem to ’magically’ work out. You’ve been meditating and practicing metta so things are on a good trajectory.

Me: Trajectory? You mean as in aiming in a good direction?

Charlie: That’s one way to see it. It’s more energy related though not spatially.

Me: Is it true that if people have a more open heart things just magically work out?

Charlie: It may seem like magic but it’s actually quite scientific from an earthly perspective. Most people think that just being nice and lovable is like burying their heads in the sand and not acknowledging the suffering in the world. But like I said yesterday, it does no good to be in an ongoing state of fear or anxiety. Those states of mind will shut down creative solutions. You basically get locked into reactivity, which is just karma running off. It goes nowhere and becomes self perpetuating. Whereas a mind at peace is an open door inviting insight and creative solutions. It’s very powerful. It can create anything. But when worries and anxieties arise they cast a shadow and close the door on inspiration and creative responses.

Me: I guess that’s why the Dalai Lama says cultivating compassion is the most powerful thing people can do for the world.

Charlie: Yes. It’s not just an airy fairy thing. It’s essential for finding wonderful and creative solutions for the hardships of the world. The solutions are out there ready to be received but right now there’s so much anxiety and fear that not enough people are receiving the solutions. It doesn’t matter what any state of affairs looks like, no matter how hopeless things may seem. Solutions are everywhere. But a fish can’t receive food if it keeps its head in the mud.

Me: Cute analogy – weird but I get the point.

Charlie: I’ll work on my analogies. Lol! J It’s fun.

Me: Anything else?

Charlie: I like that you really want to let go of your concerns about this blog. It feels like an active stretching your faith doesn’t it?

Me: Yes.

Charlie: You’re worried about not having answers if people start asking questions.

Me: That’s for sure.

Charlie: Don’t worry. Just stay with me. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You know it’s hard to swim when you’re all tensed up.

Me: That’s a really good analogy. I like that one.

Charlie: :-)

12/19/17

12/19/17
1:00 PM

Me: We're back aren't we Charlie. It's been a long time since we talked on paper.

Charlie: We've been through a lot with Mika's kidney transplant and now getting ready for Christmas. You've been a bit scattered but at least you've been meditating again. Nice.

Me: Yeah. I'm feeling a lot more grounded especially now that Mika can drive again and his new kidney is doing great. What a relief. Is there anything to talk about?

Charlie: I know you're feeling apprehensive about this blog.

Me: That's because, as you know, I've never shared you with anyone. Is it going to effect the way we communicate? I don't want anything to change. I like things the way things are with you.

Charlie: The only thing that could change is if you get spooked and drop the ball. I hope you won't throw me out the window again. If you stick with it you won't regret it. You're just nervous about people's reactions. You also just don't trust yourself to be consistent. Just forget all that. You worry too much.

Me: Tell me about fear Charlie.

Charlie:  Well, it's like a contraction in a muscle.  It keeps things moving. But this world, especially these days is having a real Charlie Horse of a cramp in its psyche. Lol!  No pun intended. Anyway, all the fear that's being presented in the media is just to steer unaware people in a certain direction.  Yes, there are some people who want to control everything but people don't need to be controlled. There's a fear cycle happening.  If someone cries 'fire' everyone becomes frightened, which makes other people frightened, which ends up with everyone reacting from their survival reptilian brain. When that happens (this certainly isn't the first time) people lose their ability to access wisdom, insight and creative solutions. It's not that fear is innately bad. Every living creature has it, even plants. It's just when it becomes chronic. Unrelenting fear creates chaos not solutions. It also makes people sick and depressed as you know. There's a lot of confusion about how to respond to fear. If you're being physically attacked you have built in instincts to react. But if you're just being emotionally challenged by something some people believe you have to kill the perpetrator to get rid of the problem but that's not a good solution. I know it sounds counter-intuitive but the best way to deal with it is to find a way to not be afraid. That way you have a far better chance of gaining access to insight. The solution will appear either as an idea or the fabric of the environment shifts. I know peace, love and avocados may sound flimsy and unrealistic but it's not. It creates a potential for vastly more creative solutions by providing access to parts of the mind that are shut down when there is chronic fear.

Me: What do you mean 'the fabric of the environment can shift?'

Charlie: That's an enormous subject. It's not so much that the fabric of the environment itself changes but your perception changes. You know those artist who create 3D works of art that look completely different depending on where you're standing? One side looks like a jumbles mess of metal, boxes and wire and the other side looks like an exquisite portrayal of a beautiful face or something. It's all in the point of perception.   It's actually much more complicated than that, which involves shifting paralleled realities but let's not get too complicated right now.  For now, let's just say standing in fear creates a perception of a jumbled, confusing mess while an open heart and mind can see the creative solutions and move forward with inspiration.  So whatever you can do; meditate, breathe, send out loving prayers, smell flowers and look at the sunrise, find things to be grateful for.. these aren't passive, wimpy things. These are doorways to creativity. Just hold the wish to see powerful solutions and then, when they come to you by way of an idea or intuition, if your heart and mind are open and clear, you will be motivated by inspiration, not fear.

9/03/17

9/3/2017

12:34 PM

Me: What do you think is going on Charlie? I’m not feeling well. Am I getting sick?

Charlie: You’re off balance. It’s mostly stress related and that’s causing a chemical imbalance. It’s mostly in your digestive system. You’re not assimilating nutrients very efficiently right now. That’s why you feel tired even when you’re getting plenty of sleep; even too much sleep. And too much sleep adds to feeling weak and sluggish. It’s all from worrying too much. You worry about money, the weather, the kids, your health… good grief.

Me: I know your going to tell me to meditate more.

Charlie: Of course. So many of your problems are just from worry and anxiety lately. Stop worrying. I’ve got you.  Don’t worry. It’s not healthy and it’s definitely not helping anything. Why don’t you just go meditate now and we’ll talk later. You’ll feel better.

Me: Okay.

8/30/17

8/30/2017

8:08 PM

Me: We got a lot done today didn’t we Charlie?

Charlie: A lot of work on putting our conversations into print on the computer. Yes, indeed.

Me: It was a good day.

Charlie: Every day is glorious but it’s always the best when you know it’s a good day too.

Me: Is there anything I need to know about where we're going?

Charlie: Do I know where we're going? I know where I am and I’ll be there with you wherever you’re going but you tell me, where are you taking me?

Me: I thought you were in the lead.

Charlie: No, you lead. You lead, and then I’m there too.

Me: I lead? I don’t know how to lead!

Charlie: that’s why we’re here. To learn. To grow. Do you remember getting on a bike without having training wheels for the first time?

Me: Yes.

Charlie: What did you say?

Me: I’m scared. I can’t.

Charlie: So, why did you do it? Why did you keep going?

Me: I felt like I just had to. I wanted to be like the big kids. I wanted the freedom.

Charlie: You wanted the freedom. Even if you got hurt? Remember those really bad falls? Stitches, bruises, scrapes…

Me: Uhhh…

Charlie: Would you do it again? That’s where we are. You see? Right here. No training wheels.

Me: What should I be doing Charlie?

Charlie: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Let go open your heart, feel the power of being open and balanced with the wind in your hair. Open. No training wheels. It’s all good.

Me: Wow. I’ll sleep on that. Good night Charlie.

Charlie: <3 <3 <3

8/28/17

8/28/2017

8:55 AM

Me: I’m back. :-)

Charlie: I love that you’re back. What do you want to talk about?

Me: Let’s talk about what I need to do.

Charlie: That sounds awful. Let’s talk about what you want.

Me: Oh, okay. So, you mean like generally or specifically?

Charlie: Let’s start with really general.

Me: Okay. I want to be happier.

Charlie: Oh yeah, that’s pretty general. What does “happy” look like for you?

Me: It looks like freedom. Freedom to travel, go on adventures, retreats, have and do things to improve my home, help my family. It feels outgoing and confident. It feels healthy, vibrant with close fun loving relationships. I would feel supported emotionally and able to create something really meaningful.

Charlie: You aren’t feeling all of these things for a reason, just one reason. You’re in a contracted state. Your mind is generating fear and self-criticism. You’re beating yourself up and beating yourself up for beating yourself up. It doesn’t look very pretty from where I stand but you’re doing it to yourself. From my point of view, you’re throwing a tantrum and when you’re not throwing a tantrum you’re having a pity party. You’re angry because you’ve had two “failed” marriages and you blame yourself for everything. You even blame yourself for every problem your grown children have. You blame yourself for getting wrinkles and gray hair, for not having a better, cleaner car, for not having more coaching clients and making more money. Your tantrums and pity parties are very contracted and self-indulgent.

Me: Well that’s pretty straightforward of you to point all that out.

Charlie: someone has to. Bill has done a big job of pointing all that out to but it just makes your tantrums and pity parties worse, coming from him. No wonder you keep dumping him. You’ve done a good job of confusing him you know. He triggers you so much because your hypersensitive and egotistical, which makes so many things feel like an attack. Your confidence and self-esteem look like a train wreck. You’re slithering around a dark rain forest floor, ready to attack anything that moves.

Me: Gosh Charlie, you’re making me look horrible.

Charlie: Well, this part of you is not exactly lovely. But it’s like focusing on your sh*t instead of the other 99% of you that is wonderful beyond description. If you could only see yourself from my point of view. But even if I went on and on, page after page about how incredible you are, you won’t hear it because of where you are standing.

Me: Give me a solution Charlie.

Charlie: You know it. You know that place where you and I meet in the heart of meditation. You know very well. That’s where your heart merges with me and we float above the rain forest. I want you to come back to me there. You know that changes everything inside you and outside you.

Me: Why did I stop meditating?

Charlie: Your relationship with Bill tipped you over and you slipped into a downward spiral again. This isn’t new for you. You’ve done this fairly often throughout your whole life; everyone does. Some people are good at getting back on track quickly, before the downward spiral takes them too far down, but even those people will have a dark night of the soul at some point. It’s part of living a human life in this realm.

Me: Tell me what that point is Charlie

Charlie: It defines the edge. It pushes the limit. It expands the frontier. You may not see or understand much from that perspective but that’s where all the seeds of creation – good and bad – are being planted and germinating. From the absolute creative point of view, there is no” good” or “bad”. Remember your story that you wrote about 10 years ago called The Human Acorn?

Me: Yes, of course. Thanks Charlie. It would be good for me to read that again. I don't know where I put it. I guess I could Google it. That was a cute story and it was pretty popular on the Internet. I know everything you say is right and I always feel better talking with his way. And I know I always feel better sitting in our heart of meditation together, just breathing together in Love. <3 :-)

Charlie: <3 <3 <3

8/27/17

8/28/2017

8:55 AM

Me: I’m back. :-)

Charlie: I love that you’re back. What do you want to talk about?

Me: Let’s talk about what I need to do.

Charlie: That sounds awful. Let’s talk about what you want.

Me: Oh, okay. So, you mean like generally or specifically?

Charlie: Let’s start with really general.

Me: Okay. I want to be happier.

Charlie: Oh yeah, that’s pretty general. What does “happy” look like for you?

Me: It looks like freedom. Freedom to travel, go on adventures, retreats, have and do things to improve my home, help my family. It feels outgoing and confident. It feels healthy, vibrant with close fun loving relationships. I would feel supported emotionally and able to create something really meaningful.

Charlie: You aren’t feeling all of these things for a reason, just one reason. You’re in a contracted state. Your mind is generating fear and self-criticism. You’re beating yourself up and beating yourself up for beating yourself up. It doesn’t look very pretty from where I stand but you’re doing it to yourself. From my point of view, you’re throwing a tantrum and when you’re not throwing a tantrum you’re having a pity party. You’re angry because you’ve had two “failed” marriages and you blame yourself for everything. You even blame yourself for every problem your grown children have. You blame yourself for getting wrinkles and gray hair, for not having a better, cleaner car, for not having more coaching clients and making more money. Your tantrums and pity parties are very contracted and self-indulgent.

Me: Well that’s pretty straightforward of you to point all that out.

Charlie: someone has to. Bill has done a big job of pointing all that out too but it just makes your tantrums and pity parties worse, coming from him. No wonder you keep dumping him. You’ve done a good job of confusing him you know. He triggers you so much because your hypersensitive and egotistical, which makes so many things feel like an attack. Your confidence and self-esteem look like a train wreck. You’re slithering around a dark rain forest floor, ready to attack anything that moves.

Me: Gosh Charlie, you’re making me look horrible.

Charlie: Well, this part of you is not exactly lovely. But it’s like focusing on your sh*t instead of the other 99% of you that is wonderful beyond description. If you could only see yourself from my point of view. But even if I went on and on, page after page about how incredible you are, you won’t hear it because of where you are standing.

Me: Give me a solution Charlie.

Charlie: You know it. You know that place where you and I meet in the heart of meditation. You know very well. That’s where your heart merges with me and we float above the rain forest. I want you to come back to me there. You know that changes everything inside you and outside you.

Me: Why did I stop meditating?

Charlie: Your relationship with Bill tipped you over and you slipped into a downward spiral again. This isn’t new for you. You’ve done this fairly often throughout your whole life; everyone does. Some people are good at getting back on track quickly, before the downward spiral takes them too far down, but even those people will have a dark night of the soul at some point. It’s kind of comes with the package of living a human life in this realm.

Me: Tell me what that point is Charlie

Charlie: It defines the edge. It pushes the limit. It expands the frontier. You may not see or understand much from that perspective but that’s where all the seeds of creation – good and bad – are being planted and germinating. From the absolute creative point of view, there is no” good” or “bad”. Remember your story that you wrote about 10 years ago called The Human Acorn?

Me: Yes, of course. Thanks Charlie. It would be good for me to read that again. I suppose I could just Google it since I don't know where I put it. That was a cute story and it was pretty popular on the Internet after I published it. I know everything you say is right and I always feel better talking with his way. And I know I always feel better sitting in our heart of meditation together, just breathing together in Love. <3 :-)

Charlie: <3 <3 <3

8/27/17

8/27/2017

8:09 AM

Me: Good morning Charlie.

Charlie: Good morning. I missed you yesterday.

Me: Well, you know what happened. I was playing dominoes with the neighbors until 2 AM and drank too much. So I was out of sorts yesterday. And I can’t talk long this morning because Mike and I are heading up to Charlottesville to help Mika and Grace move. Not sure when will be back.

Charlie: Wie'll see how we are doing this evening. How are you feeling now?

Me: I slept well last night. I guess I’m okay. But you know I have so much fear and anxiety about money. Can’t seem to get away from it. Always trying to figure it out, what to do.

Charlie: You haven’t been meditating for a while. That would help. When you meditate it’s easier for me to help you. When you’re all bogged down and heavy with worries, it’s difficult for me to guide or inspire you in any direction. When your mind is all over the place and all balled up in knots it makes things a lot more difficult for you. I know you know that. So, why haven’t you been meditating?

Me: You know how it is. It feels like a downward spiral. The more I worry, the harder it gets to meditate and the longer I go without meditating, the more I worry. It’s not pretty. I know I should start meditating again. It’s probably been six weeks or more. No wonder I’m a mess.

Charlie: There’s that awful word, “should”. There it is again. Meditation shouldn’t be a 'should'. You just want to remember how good it feels to meditate and then the inspiration to experience it more will motivate you.

Me: Right. We’ll see what this evening brings when we get back from Charlottesville. I have to get ready to leave now. Later Charlie.

Charlie: Later.<3 <3 <3 

8/25/17

8/25/2017

7:30 AM

Me: Good morning.

Charlie: Good morning love of my life.

Me: I’m trying to get up earlier so we can talk first thing in the morning.

Charlie: I know. What are we talking about this morning?

Me: I’m not sure. You have any ideas? Is there anything you think would be helpful for me to know?

Charlie: The main thing I would like to constantly impress upon you is do not worry. You worry too much. No matter what happens or how things turn out, you don’t need to worry

Me: I know. At least I know in my head. I can come up with every kind of scenario to worry about. But isn’t some worry necessary? Doesn’t it motivate people to do things? Get things done?

Charlie: The best way to get things done is by imagination and inspiration to move toward something, not by worry and fear that if you don’t do something then something bad might happen.

Me: Yeah, I guess that makes sense. So what should I be imagining and getting inspired about?

Charlie: We don’t need to fill in all the details but wouldn’t it be nice if all we had to do is stay connected every day and chat for a couple of pages every day, and then everything else would be magically resolved?

Me: I like the sound of that. You mean my financial problems would be resolved? My aches and pains would all be resolved? My bouts of loneliness would be resolved? My health would improve?

Charlie: Yes, all that. And then you could fly.

Me: What?!

Charlie: Just kidding. I mean yes! Why not? But maybe not with wings. Lol! Just airplane wings. Let’s not push our luck. Silly me. Sure, fly anywhere, travel. It would be nice for you to get out and travel a bit more. I know you’re feeling like you’ve been in the mountains too long. But now you’re almost afraid to leave sometimes.

Me: I know. Even though I have this lovely house in this vast wilderness, my life feels pretty small.

Charlie: We designed it this way didn’t we? We wanted absolute freedom; no one demanding, needing, or even wanting anything from us. After two marriages and raising three biological kids and lots of other kids, we just wanted to incubate didn’t we? There is no one here to even influence us anymore. You can leave a pencil on the table and come back a week later and it’s still there. It hasn’t moved, no one took it! LOL! That’s a big change from the way things used to be is in it? Remember? With all the kids and their friends all over the place? Things were moving around constantly. School mornings were the best. Five minutes before the bus we were still looking for lost socks and homework.

Me: The best? Actually that was pretty nerve-racking Charlie. You know that especially when I had to get myself ready for work at the same time. Why do you say it was the best?

Charlie: Just because it was all so dynamic, fast-paced, loud, crazy. And remember how fun it was?

Me: Oh yes! We all laughed a lot. My kids knew how to split my gut with laughter.

Charlie: But these are the best days now. We’re living exactly the way we always wanted to, with no one to be accountable for and no one to be accountable to accept our self.

8/24/17

8/24/2017

1:23 PM

Me: I’m trying to get organized Charlie. I have so much financial anxiety right now living on barely $1000 a month, no health insurance no house insurance… I know I don’t need to tell you this since we are in this together. I know the name of the game is to let me try to figure things out for myself and end up just fumbling and stumbling around, procrastinating, reading, researching, studying and trying to get somewhere. I’m not real happy with the way things are right now Charlie. You know I’m trying and I also know you know I try not to ask for too much help but I need to ask you for help now Charlie. What am I supposed to do?

Charlie: Why are you trying to not ask me for help?

Me: Because I’m supposed to be learning how to “drive” right here right? I’m supposed to be learning and figuring out how to live a great life and succeed… Right?

Charlie: Why?

Me: What do you mean “why?”. Aren't we “humans” supposed to be on our personal missions to find fulfillment? Happiness? I mean really Charlie, isn’t that the whole point?

Charlie: Your funny.

Me: What?

Charlie: I mean look at what you just said, “on a mission to find fulfillment”. Where in the world are you going? Are you trying to compile all your hiking gear to go off into the mountains to find yourself? Let me remind you that we’ve already done that… Twice. This time we’ve been here in the mountains for 10 years; so far away from humanity that your family calls it a “wild wilderness vacation” just to come and visit you. Your second biggest concern, apart from money, is finding a black bear in your kitchen. What is your “mission” this time? You’ve divorced two husbands and you’ve left Bill about 10 times, running away to “find” yourself.

Me: Okay Charlie, you’re rubbing it in. What’s the point?

Charlie: The point is you are like… an eyeball trying to see itself.

Me: Where if I heard that before?

Charlie: Well, you know there’s nothing I can tell you that you don’t already know

Me: Then why do I feel so surprised sometimes with the things you say?

Charlie: I’m just reminding you about things you have forgotten I’m just reminding you. You (we) already know, it’s just that you’re in the dark sometimes; never really lost because I always know where you are but… You feel lost sometimes.

Me: So, what am I supposed to be doing if I’m not on a “mission?”

Charlie: All of life everywhere is on a mission to be fully expressed. That’s the driving force behind evolution but outward expression is achieved through a dance between the outward forms and the inward sustenance. In other words outward expression is dependent on its life guiding energy. To put it in a rather crude term, a toaster makes toast but without electricity it’s just a piece of junk. Likewise, electricity is everywhere but has no purpose unless it can activate life forms to dance with.

Me: Amazing. So, I need you but you don’t need me?

Charlie: Wow, that sounds bad.

Me: Just trying to get clear.

Charlie: Does a toaster need electricity? Yes, if it wants to achieve its “purpose for being”. Does electricity need a toaster (or any form)? No. But what a waste of creative potential.

Me: I feel like a waste of creative potential.

Charlie: You feel like that because you’re not making lots of money and you feel invisible to the world, living alone up here in the mountains for so many years. But let me remind you, incubation isn’t a waste of potential. Even if you died as a dried:up seed on a sidewalk, your potential doesn’t die it just changes form.

Me: Lots to think about thanks Charlie.

8/24/2017

7:55 PM

Me: Okay Charlie, I had some to drink this evening. And when I turned toward you at feels like any time, you could potentially try to get me to “bungee jump”. I never know what to expect. Sometimes we just snuggle and other times you want me to jump into the Grand Canyon. So, what do you want right now? Snuggles or love? Or just cast ourselves into space?

Charlie: I’m good with either one. What do you want to do?

Me: I don’t know. Maybe I want to talk about your name. I mean really. Where did I (we) ever come up with “Charlie”? Ever since the beginning, as far as I can remember, you’ve said you'd answer to anything as long as it makes the connection. But where did the name “Charlie” come from?

Charlie: Silly girl. “Charlie” is a name belongs to your oldest brother, David’s, friend when you were almost five years old. He was a brief experience in your life but he connected with you like a baby sister that made all the pieces of your little puzzle fall into place. He wasn’t any kind of  “God” but for a moment there was a brief connection of love.  You just had a crush on him and so “Love” became “Charlie”. He was only around for a couple of school semesters but his impression on you at that time was the closest thing you had experienced as unconditional love. In essence, it’s inconsequential who “he” actually was. But he sparked an opening; like a portal between the little you and that whatever Love has ever meant to you; Everything Love feels to you. When he stopped coming around you still kept looking for him. And so, you could say, he gave me the name Charlie. But let’s not forget all my other names.

Me: Right. I’ve called you a lot of names: God, Jesus, Lord, Ram, Maharajji… Probably more

Charlie: Has anything changed?

Me: Ummmm… What? Is that a trick question? Everything is changed! My God! Thing seems to change constantly! Even more so with advancing technology. The question is ridiculous Charlie. Everything is changing! Constantly. All the time.

Charlie: Right. So tell me what’s changed for you?

Me: Time??

Charlie: Maybe. You have one thing very right, things change. Here’s where we can play. Questions: how and why does time change?

Me: I’m feeling really dense now. You’re asking me how and why time changes.

Charlie: Yes.

Me: Good heavens Charlie. You’re asking me “how” and “why” time changes.

Charlie: Yes.

Me : Can I sleep on this?

Charlie: Oh Dodie. We could sleep on that question until the cows come home.

Me: Okay give me a hint.

Charlie: It has been said that the Buddha said suffering is caused by desire. Desire isn’t “good” or “bad”. It’s the spark of creation. It’s actually the human mind that creates suffering out of contrast. Everything living creature feels desire and pain. But it’s the human mind that creates suffering it folds in on itself. It creates and re-creates stories, upon stories, upon stories… Like the Internet. The web. Oh the webs we weave! Lol. Time is a concept not a reality. Just like suffering is a concept not a reality. Everything moves but it’s the human mind that creates time. Everything experiences pain but it’s the mind that creates suffering.

8/23/17

8/23/2017

8:32 AM

Me: Good morning Charlie.

Charlie: Hi my love. Tell me how you’re feeling this morning.

Me: Well, I woke up late and I have a coaching call in 25 minutes. I’m wondering what we could talk about in such a short time. I guess I’m feeling a bit pressured. Anything I should know?

Charlie: I know you had nightmares last night about the mountains on fire.

Me: Oh yeah. That was scary.

Charlie: You have a lot of anxiety about the way things are. You wonder if you’ll even survive.

Me: Yes that’s true sometimes. Scary; especially my financial problems.

Charlie: Fire is also purifying. Things are changing and the dross is burning off.

Me: What kind of dross?

Charlie: You know, a lot of old conditioning. Even though the fire seems scary, you’re actually becoming more fearless.

Me: Hmmm… You could have fooled me.

Charlie: You’re in much better shape emotionally now that you have been over the last five years.

Me: I’m not sure I see that Charlie.

Charlie: Look back at this time just last year. You were a mess because of your relationship with Bill, your heart ache and anxiety were through the roof! You were drinking way too much and your thinking was like scrambled eggs. You were spewing and leaking energy all over the universe!

Me: Well, I guess you’re right about that. I remember being grateful no one could hear me when I was yelling and screaming at the sky for all its injustices. I felt like such a total victim. So, what changed?

Charlie: Well, first you’ve gotten better at not spewing your energy all over the place. You dynamic with Bill has been a real trial by fire for you and that situation is finally improving. But best of all, you and I are talking again. I mean we always talk but you know, when we write to each other like this, we feel closer, more connected.

Me: Yes, that’s so true. I always feel good with you Charlie. <3 <3 <3

8/23/2017

10:05 PM

Me: Want to talk Charlie?

Charlie: Do you?

Me: Well, I’m tired but I like being with you.

Charlie: You’re always with me.

Me: You know what I mean. I mean I like to feel you and hear you right here.

Charlie: You know how it works. All you need to do is turn toward me and here we are. We can talk, we can dance, we can even pretend we are spooning when you fall asleep but you know your breath is where we really touch.

Me: Right. Thanks Charlie. I’ll turn the light off now, pretend we are spooning and find you in my breath.  <3

Charlie:<3

8/22/17

8/22/2017

9:07 AM

Me: Good morning Charlie. I want to start writing to you more in the mornings. I’m in such a bad habit of coffee and solitaire, Facebook and wasting time in the mornings. I haven’t even been meditating.

Charlie: Good morning love of my life. J You know you judge yourself too harshly. Personally I think solitaire, puzzles and catching up with friends on Facebook can be fun. But you are in the habit of beating yourself up for it.

Me: Why do I do that to myself Charlie?

Charlie: It’s just the momentum of the habit from fear, anxiety, boredom and also, you know computer screens are like sugar. Computer screens taste addictive. When we’re talking like this; pen and paper, doesn’t it feel more relaxing compared to typing on a computer? I like the feeling of a pen in hand. Even when it’s your hand! Lol!

Me: Yes a pen in hand does feel more relaxing. But I think it’s also just because I’m feeling connected with you. That always fills my heart Charlie. I don’t know what I would do without you.

Charlie: Can you feel this love I’m showering you with?  <3 <3 <3

Me: Yes! It’s crazy how you can fill my heart like this so quickly.

Charlie: First of all you wouldn’t be doing anything without me because you wouldn’t exist! <3 you and I aren’t just joined together. You are an extension from me; like your hand is an extension from your body. Your body can walk around without a hand but a hand cannot do anything without a body. But keep in mind, how much you appreciate your hand; this right:hand that holds this pen, this hand that cleans, gardens, caresses and expresses love and creativity. Your hands are engaged in the world, which creates meaning in your life. Now, take one step back. I am the Mind and you are my body in the world, giving me purpose, experience, contrast and creative expression. Can you even imagine how much I adore you for all that?

Me: So, if you are my mind, why am I so self-critical, fearful, anxious and all the rest?

Charlie: You know the answer to that but let me put it in another way. Your body comes with a brain and built in instincts. Over time and life, ongoing life experiences it learns how to protect itself. It creates patterns and ruts. In the course of your life, you have taken us through many, many experiences with dramatic ups and downs. The “downs” have been painful and your self-preservation instincts have conditioned you to recoil. You know what it feels like to get blisters on your hands from too much work? When you have blisters, your instinct is to protect them while they heal. Your brain comes with built in plug-n-play automation. What you are interpreting as fear, anxiety and depression is just your effort to protect yourself; recoil in an attempt to heal.

Me: That’s a bit confusing because it sounds like there is you and then there’s two of  me; my body/brain and then a “me” interpreting things like fear and anxiety and depression.

Charlie: There are not two if you but the human brain is different from other animals. The human brain has the ability to also learn through self-awareness and self reflection. You might call it ego. As the human brain experiences the world it learns pleasant and unpleasant things and can build scenarios and stories based on memory and also putting memories together to imagine new scenarios. It can become complex and convoluted with twists and turns, knots and in infinite display of pure imagination. Every bit of a rain forest is unique with twisting vines, dense undergrowth and life beyond measure.

Me: All the different creatures in a rain forest have their own agendas Charlie. I’m just me with one brain. How does that fit in?

Charlie: You are so lovable with your perfect questions. Everyone who ever influenced you; your parents, friends, bullies, teachers, family, and even store clerks and books and movies on and on have each made impressions on your brain that still live in you like the countless creatures of a rain forest. The way your brain “orchestrates” all of these voices and influences are its effort to function as best it possibly can in its environment. You’re 63 years old now. You’ve accumulated a lot of voices and influences and your quote rain forest” is richly dense and thick with life. Sometimes it even sounds deafening with all the noise. By the way, this is a great visual for what is called “ego”. The thing a lot of people struggle with is the question of how to function effectively and happily in the world when their “rain forest” seems too noisy to find their way anywhere. Life just gets too confusing and overwhelming.

Me: So, what’s the answer?

Charlie: Train your brain to relax, let go. You can float above the forest canopy where everything is clear, get your bearings and see where you are. That way, when you come back down into the thick of the forest you have a general sense of where you are and which direction to move in. Do this every day in life becomes easier, clearer and more awesome. <3 meditate <3

Me: Thank you Charlie. Like I said, I don’t know what I would do without you.

Charlie –Lol. And without you, I would have no expression from your vantage that would be impossible.

Me: How can that be impossible? This body is temporary. It’s going to die.

Charlie: That’s true but your vantage is the edge of creation and the influence behind evolution. Your vantage is unique and has to always be counted in the equation. Your vantage doesn’t die, it just returns home. Perhaps it’s too complicated to explain very well but let me try. Your brain and body are like my tools, they influence the environment and the environment influences the brain and body; even creating a pseudo:mind called ego. But that vantage is my “eye”. It’s what sees, or rather perceives, without interpretation. It’s not really another “thing”. It’s like a focal point of the microscope. The microscope may have billions of focal settings but if one focal point (vantage) doesn’t, then in this analogy, the entire microscope wouldn’t work. Your vantage is an absolute critical component of life; physical and nonphysical. Your body dies but your vantage can’t die. It is held in place perfectly by the entire universe, for that matter, all the infinite multi-verses and timelines. Your vantage (like everyone's vantage) holds everything in place. In other words, because there is a down there is and up. Because there is a left there is a right. These may be conceptual but they cannot exist without each other.

Me –Ummm… That feels like a lot of responsibility Charlie.

Charlie: No it isn’t. You’re not seeing the big picture. Your “ego” is trying to jump in here. There is absolutely nothing you can possibly do “wrong”. Everything you think and do are just creative splashes of paint on canvas. Everything you think and do are like fertilizer for evolution. Evolution and its cycles of entropy are constantly learning and evolving from its near infinite vantage points. That may make you feel small and insignificant from your ego’s perspective but like I said, without your vantage (as with all vantages) none of creation would even exist.

Me: Lots to think about. I need a break. Thank you Charlie. <3

Charlie: Don’t think too much! Meditate. <3

8/14/17

8/14/2017

7:46 PM

Me: Charlie?

Charlie: Hmmm?

Me: Now what? I mean throw away everything. Here we are Now what?

Charlie: I don’t know. That’s kind of a big question.

Me: You know sometimes your answers are more confusing than the question. Come on Charlie get to the point.

Charlie: Let’s start right here. Breathing slow, long… Slow long!.. You remember when we were there? All that time? Together? And every time you gave me another name, it’s still me you know.

Me: I’m not doing well Charlie. I’m just not doing well. Every minute of my waking life feels “stuffed” with… Everything. Overloaded. That’s the word, overloaded.

Charlie: What is it that is piling up and overloading you?

Me: Oh Charlie, my love, sometimes you speak to me  in layers and layers like an onion. It’s 8:21 PM Charlie. Anything else?

Charlie: I could say “no”, but… There’s so much unsaid.

8/13/17

8/13/2017

9:25 PM

Me: I’m pretty tired Charlie. I’ve been cleaning all day. Dylan and Nathan will be here in a couple of days I could just close my eyes and sleep. Is there anything you want to say to me?

Charlie: I love that you’re cleaning. It feels good once we get going, doesn’t it?

Me: Yes indeed. I think I will sleep well tonight just with the feeling of knowing so many things are off my to do list. It feels lighter, clearer.

Charlie: No more talking then. Go to bed and get a good sleep.

Me:<3 Good night Charlie. I love having you back in my life.

8/12/17

8/12/2017

2:39 PM

Me: I’m in the middle of my day Charlie; trying to study and do marketing. This isn’t our usual time to chat. Am I calling you? Or are you calling me?

Charlie: Are you asking me to figure that out?! Silly girl. Maybe I called you… That feels right enough. But we both know this place where it’s hard to distinguish between you and me. This place of pure, open-hearted curiosity. I ask, what are you doing? And then you say, “you tell me!” lol. that’s where we step on each other’s toes (if I had some) and try not to crack up laughing. This is that fine line where we clash and learn. It’s this amazing place we steal the seeds of evolution. We could say it’s orgasmic but since I don’t have a body I’ll just call it Bingo.

Me: Bingo!? God Charlie, you really catch me off guard. I was envisioning that holy, sacred place of the unnamable, cosmic union between Yin and Yang and you think “Bingo” is a good name for that?

Charlie: Don’t you?

Me: Let me tell you Charlie, I have missed you. I haven’t felt this close to you since 1979 when I lost you.

Charlie: You lost me. I never lost you. Never. Not ever, not even for a quark second. Not possible. In fact the farther away and lost you thought you were, the stronger I envelope you just by contrast. I felt like we were creating the best music and works of art. I’m sure we were Van Gogh…lol. But that’s not important. In fact our story then was one of our worst. It was clashing, dramatic, intense… That’s art; even if it’s intensity is in magnifying love to the max. But our love story now is leagues above all that.

Me: It’s confusing Charlie. Some religions say love would be the “white” side of the yin-yang symbol. Some religions might say the thin line between black and white is where love is some say love is only found in a soul mate some say love is unknowable unless you’ve lived a God-fearing life and earned your rewards in heaven. What is it Charlie? Really, for the record; what is love?

Charlie: That question has been answered a bazillion, quadrillion times. The question is a mainstay in the human psyche only because it has been answered a bazillion, quadrillion times, times billions. So, here is the final, definitive answer that not many ears can hear. What is love?

Think of a rainbow and take a cross section of color from red to violet. How many shades of color are there? How many tints and tones, shades, hughs and blends, contrasts and dances of colors are there? And how many musical themes can we assign to each and every one of those differences? Color and music are one and the same. How many variations can you imagine? Love is the right side of every color pixel wanting to blend into its neighbor or its perfect opponent. Love is every musical note wanting to blend in to its nearest neighbor or its perfect contrasting opponent. Love is the push and pull felt in every relationship, color, music, human, animals, stars or galaxies. It’s the push and pull of creation, universes, multi-verses, timelines and every creative thought you have. It is the whole. What feels repulsive on one side is being pulled on another side. A craving “here” is a repulsion there. But the entire picture is a work of art. The entire creation is metaphysical and always in the process of creation; no matter how dark the shadows or how blinding the lights. Every creation shines in the light of love. The brighter the light is, the shadows become clearer not from the power of darkness imposing its self but rather from the mere existence of a creation blocking the light. Love is the light that illuminates every droplet of a rainbow.

Is it worth the suffering? Any living creature on earth, other than those encapsulated in a human brain, would say yes. The human brain is an experiment among many. Its self awareness causes knots of confusion, which lead to all kinds of suffering. Pain is one thing and it’s universal for any entity choosing to experience a physical body. It’s not such a big deal. But the human mind grabs it and creates mountains of emotional, imaginary contractions of suffering around it. Every kind of drama and story line is born from it. Ahhhh… the webs you mortals weave.

Real love is only found in relationship to everything; not just the right or left, up or down, this person or another; but the whole dance. To really know heaven you will walk through hell with your heart wide open.

Me: You’re referring to unconditional love right?

Charlie: Yes, but things get lost in translation.

Me: I’m sure. But this is big Charlie. Entire civilizations have gone to war and collapsed in the name of love. Can you set this straight? What does love mean for humanity Charlie?

Charlie: You know, in countless ways I would like to step off the trail and lose that word “love”. It feels like such a downtrodden word tossed in there with “fixed, finished, complete” it feels like walking out of a sports stadium with champagne bubbles in your hair. It feels like that orgasm you had with the perfect partner way back when…and vanished into memory.  Every human definition of love comes with a time-stamp. “Love is like when …happened.” But no. Those moments were not love. Those little definitions are babies. 

Remember that big wolf spider we saw that had hundreds of spiderlings clinging to her back? When they left her back she died. She gave her life for those babies. Those babies did not define love and her sacrifice did not define love. To use our old toaster analogy, she was the toaster, the babies were the toast but love is the power, the energy, the electricity that animated all of it. It’s all in the big picture not just the sacrifice, the creations or babies. And then it’s carried on and on. That’s just another extremely meager definition.

I love the analogy of electricity. It comes close. But imagine if the electricity of unconditional love could speak to you without your mental creations and ensuing shadows? What would it say? What would it feel like? Would it sound something like me? Would it feel like the way I’ve always held you no matter what?

Take a break. We’re still the middle of the day. I’ll catch you later.

Me: I want to tell Bill something.

Charlie: I know.

Me: It gets messy because he and I have been on again and off again to the point of nothing. Like taking all the colors and mushing them all into gray.

Charlie: I know. It’s the middle of Saturday afternoon. Is this what we want to do?

Me: You know darn well for me Saturday is much different from a winced. What’s your point?

Charlie: It’s an amazing mid August day!

Me: Just talk to me Charlie. I’m just off the phone with Claire. So happy for her. She’s doing so well. But, talk to me Charlie. Talk to me. I feel hungry for your company. It feel like 1 million years since we’ve been together.

Charlie: Well, let’s see… 1 million years? No. Not this time. Yes, there have been thousands, millions, billions, zillions……, Of years between us at times but what fun now. Crazy right?

Me: All crazy.

Charlie So… Are we okay?

Me: You’re kidding right? Damn Charlie. Any tiny spark of you is “okay!” You span the spectrum don’t you Charlie?

8/12/2017

6:03 PM

Charlie: Back again?

Me –You know, I love you Charlie and I know you give me teachers along the way, but tell me, what is my homework? My goal? You know Charlie, sometimes I just want to take this outside. Anger seems to be determined to have a say here I’m 63 years old. So what? What now? Now!?

Charlie: Come home and be in my arms my love. What does it feel like to breethe together? Yes. This place. Now. This breath right here. Can you feel me in your breath?